 The guilt is real, I have felt it keenly throughout my career. I have spoken openly about the challenges I faced even becoming a mother, with miscarriage and very premature birth being huge chapters of my life that have shaped me forever. I joked recently that I didn’t have a clean or tidy house until my sons left for university. Except it wasn’t a joke, compromises were made, and the show home was the compromise that our family made!
Motherhood is a complex and challenging journey, and when combined with the demands of the workforce, it becomes even more so. Balancing work and family life can be a constant struggle for working mothers, who often face unique challenges in the workplace. So today, on Mother’s Day, I wanted to explore the challenges of motherhood in the world of work. Career Progression and the Maternal WallThe concept of the "maternal wall effect" is a very real challenge faced by working mothers. This refers to the negative stereotypes and assumptions that employers and colleagues hold about mothers, which can affect their career prospects. Research has shown that working mothers are often seen as less committed, less competent, and less deserving of career advancement than their male counterparts. "Gendered assumptions about parenting and domestic responsibilities are still prevalent in many workplaces, and this can lead to working mothers being overlooked for promotions or excluded from career development opportunities." -Trades Union Congress, 2019, p. 4. One of the most significant challenges that we face as working mothers is the challenges in respect of career progression opportunities. Where we get let down in the workplace is that research has demonstrated that mothers are less likely to be hired for promotions and leadership positions than their male counterparts or childless female peers (Hewlett et al., 2010). This "maternal wall" effect is due to the assumptions (and this is what they are, mere assumptions), that mothers are less committed, less competent, and less productive than their non-mother colleagues (Correll, 2017). Work-Life BalanceAnother significant challenge for working mothers is the difficulty of balancing work and family responsibilities. I know I managed to make it work because my husband worked shifts, but that was at great sacrifice to time we could have spent on our marriage. We were ships passing in the night to pick up our turns caring for the boys, and we rarely saw each other. (Not always a bad thing I hear some of you say, but jokes aside, this makes for poor wellbeing and burnout). The demands of motherhood can clash with the demands of the workplace, leading to stress, exhaustion, and burnout (Gatrell et al., 2017). Working mothers will find it challenging to find time to attend school events, doctor's appointments, or care for sick children. I will never forget the guilt I felt dashing out to a lunchtime recital where my eldest was going to be playing the Clarinet. The school hall was hot and heaving, and I only had the hour, he trotted onto to stage at about the 45-minute point and gave a truly awful rendition of “London’s Burning”. In an almost transactional state of mind, I thought to myself, right I’ve seen it, I’ve waved at him, he knows I was here, I need to get back to the office before I am missed so I shimmied back out through the crowd who were pulling some disapproving stares. When I picked him up at the end of the day I found out he had come out a second time after I left and given a wonderful performance of “When the Saints go Marching In”. The other mums at the gate said it was fabulous. So, I lied. I told him I had seen it, that I was still in the hall even though he couldn’t see me, and that I was super proud. It’s been FIFTEEN YEARS and I still feel guilty. The concept of work-life balance has been widely studied in the field of business psychology and employers should be looking to the research to guide them. It is clear that work-life balance is essential for employee well-being, job satisfaction, and organizational performance (Greenhaus & Allen, 2011). Strategies for achieving work-life balance are not hard for employers that want to make them work, and include flexible working arrangements, hybrid, remote, and compressed workweeks. These strategies have been found to improve employee retention, job satisfaction, and productivity (Hill et al., 2008). Discrimination and BiasUnfortunately working mothers are also at risk of facing discrimination and bias in the workplace. Research has found that mothers are perceived as less committed and less suitable for high-demand, full-time jobs than fathers or non-parents (Barnett & Hyde, 2001). Women who take maternity leave are often viewed as less committed and less dedicated to their careers than their male counterparts or childless colleagues. This can lead to lower pay, fewer opportunities, and increased workloads for mothers. I remember going for an interview when I was 23 where the interviewer brazenly said to me that his main concern was my age, the fact that I was married, and the huge risk that I would start having babies, and on that basis he would not be progressing with my application. Then when I was 24, I was summarily made redundant on the spot the morning after having bumped into my employer’s Financial Controller while buying a pregnancy test. I did not succeed in pregnancy until I was 27. (This was before my HR career – I knew it was deeply unfair, but I didn’t even really grasp that I was being discriminated against). According to a 2019 report by the Trades Union Congress, one in three working mothers’ experiences discrimination at work. Discrimination can take many forms, from being overlooked for promotion to being paid less than male colleagues, so ask around, if its not you, it will be at least a couple of your mum friends who are on the receiving end. Research has also explored the causes and consequences of discrimination and bias in the workplace. Stereotyping and prejudice can lead to lower expectations, reduced opportunities, and lower pay for working mothers (Heilman et al., 2018). Again, the solutions are not difficult; strategies for reducing discrimination and bias for working mothers include increasing diversity and inclusion training, promoting work-life balance, and implementing policies that support working parents (Ely & Thomas, 2001). Lack of Support and ResourcesAs working mothers, we often lack the support and resources we need to manage the demands of motherhood and work. This includes access to affordable childcare, flexible working arrangements, and paid parental leave. In some cases, working mothers may have to rely on family or friends to provide childcare, which can be unreliable and unsustainable in the long term. The challenge of balancing work and family responsibilities is undoubtedly a significant issue for working mothers. Juggling the demands of work and childcare can be stressful and time-consuming, and can impact mental health and well-being, leading to feelings of guilt or anxiety, and can affect job performance and career prospects. "For many families, the cost of childcare is prohibitively high, making it difficult for parents to work without taking on significant debt." - Corlett, 2020, p. 3 My husband and I lucked out with discounted nursery fees by virtue of my husband working for the NHS but having a child with complex medical needs saw us turned away by countless childminders, and I found myself focusing on work that I could secure close to home and school in case of emergencies. At one stage I drew up an annualised working proposal for my employer at the time which would have been a dream. I was promptly made redundant, but that’s a whole other story! "The pandemic has exacerbated the challenges faced by working parents, particularly for mothers who have seen a significant increase in caring responsibilities, and a reduction in access to childcare and support." - Gangl et al., 2021, p. 7 Providing support and resources to working mothers can drastically improve job satisfaction and performance, so again looking to make it as easy as possible for parents to afford themselves of flexible working arrangements, paid parental leave, and access to affordable childcare (Hill et al., 2010) will be what makes the difference. The organisations that provide these resources have been found to attract and retain more talented working mothers, leading to improved organizational performance (Meyer et al., 2010). Recent UK Press Cases and TribunalsThere have been several recent cases and tribunals in the UK that illustrate the challenges faced by working mothers. In 2021, the case of Ms. Fhima v. First Choice Homes Oldham highlighted the issue of indirect sex discrimination. Ms. Fhima was a working mother who had requested flexible working arrangements to enable her to care for her young children. Her employer refused her request, and she was subsequently dismissed. The tribunal found that the employer had indirectly discriminated against Ms. Fhima because of her sex and awarded her compensation. In 2020, the case of Ms. Mayhew v. Haringey Council also highlighted the issue of indirect sex discrimination. Ms. Mayhew was a working mother who had requested flexible working arrangements to care for her child. Her employer refused her request, and she was subsequently dismissed. The tribunal found that the employer had indirectly discriminated against Ms. Mayhew because of her sex and awarded her compensation. Actions for Forward-thinking EmployersForward-thinking employers can take several actions to support all parents at work, regardless of gender. These include:
What can we do for ourselves to combat those feelings of guilt?As a working mother, I know that it is common to experience feelings of guilt and inadequacy when balancing the demands of career and family. I have felt it myself many times over, and even though my boys have now left home, that guilt still hangs around like a bad stain on your favourite armchair. However, it is important to remember that being a working mother is a valuable and important role, and that it is possible to find a balance that works for you and your family. (Mine involved ditching housework…. That might not suit everyone, but we muddled quite happily through chaos for quite some time). On an individual level, it is crucial to remind yourself that being a working mother is a choice, and one that should be celebrated by yourself, rather than criticized or judged. Because own up, you know you are your own worst critic, I know that because we all are. "We don't have to do it all, we just have to do what's important to us." - Dr. Ellen Langer One way to shake off feelings of guilt is to focus on the positive impact that working can have on both yourself and your family. "Women, in particular, need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we're scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don't have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list." - Michelle Obama As a mother, who came from a single parent family, it was important to me to demonstrate to my sons that women can be successful at work, so it can be helpful to remember that children do benefit from seeing their mothers thrive in both their careers and personal lives, and for mothers of the generation who will create the next future of work, then that example is powerful because they are the next evolution of leaders, managers, husbands, wives, and parents themselves. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem Harvard Business Review notes, "The fact that so many women experience guilt and stress as working mothers is not a sign of individual weakness or failure, but of broader social and cultural challenges that need to be addressed." So, you are not alone in feeling that guilt, it is a common experience for working mothers. It is important to remember that you are making a valuable contribution to both your family and society. By prioritizing your own physical and mental health, focusing on the positive impact of your work, and recognizing that you are not alone in your experiences, you can shake off the guilt and confidently embrace your role as a working mother. So, what next? As a society, we cannot afford to continue ignoring the challenges faced by working mothers in the UK. Employers have a responsibility to do better and take meaningful actions to support all parents in the workplace. According to a 2019 study by Workingmums.co.uk, 90% of working mothers feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children, and 87% feel guilty about the impact their work has on their family. This sense of guilt can affect mental health and well-being and can impact job performance and career prospects. In the words of business psychologist and coach Jessica Chivers, "working mothers often feel torn between competing priorities, and this conflict can create a sense of guilt or anxiety that can affect their ability to be present and productive at work." It is essential for employers to recognize and address the guilt that working mothers experience and provide support and resources to help alleviate the burden. By providing flexible working arrangements, paid parental leave, affordable childcare, promoting a culture of inclusion and support, and addressing bias and discrimination, employers can create a more equitable and supportive work environment for working mothers. It is time for employers to take step up to the plate and do their part in ensuring that working mothers are not held back by outdated assumptions and practices. Let us all work together to create a workplace that is supportive of all parents, regardless of gender, and create a brighter future for all families in the UK. Footnote:If you are still in it, take comfort that now my sons have left home, their recollections are not of my absence. When they talk of childhood, they talk about days on the beach, judo competitions, building camps in the garden, the time we tried to make chocolate macaroons and they came out looking like the Bristol Stool Chart, and ironically, one of the fondest memories is car journeys. I thought we spent our lives dismally trawling on the roads gadding from school, to gymnastics, judo, swimming, drama, singing, the list is endless, they did everything..... but if we happen to jump in the car together today they remind me of the long chats about the whole bloomin' universe, who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Kung Fu Panda, arguments about whether their friend broke his arm twice or a couple of times (that one was fierce), and most of all, turning the tunes up and signing our hearts out to anything from the Frozen soundtrack to Iron Maiden. If you are feeling it, here are the tunes you should play today if you fancy recreating some of our epic car journeys! Frozen: Let it Go Iron Maiden: Fear of the Dark Infernal: From Paris to Berlin The Lion King: Soundtrack Survivor: Eye Of The Tiger (especially important on the way to judo competitions). Queen - We Are The Champions (especially important on the way home from judo competitions regardless of whether you had a medal). Plus anything from Elton, Queen, Annie Lennox.....and any show tunes, musical theatre soundtracks, or pure cheese. You are MOST welcome! References Chivers, J. (2018). The transition to motherhood: a new identity requires new skills. Coaching Perspectives, 16(2), 48-52. Corlett, A. (2020). Supporting working parents: How to create family-friendly workplaces. Resolution Foundation. Gangl, M., Henseke, G., & Brzinsky-Fay, C. (2021). Parenting and the pandemic: Implications for mothers' and fathers' time allocation, employment, and wellbeing. Research in Social Stratification and Mobility, 71, 100559. Harvard Business Review. (2016). Working mothers are suffering from a culture of guilt. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2016/10/working-mothers-are-suffering-from-a-culture-of-guilt Langer, E. (2014). Mindfulness. Da Capo Lifelong Books. Obama, M. (2018). Becoming. Crown. Steinem, G. (2015). My Life on the Road. Random House. Trades Union Congress. (2019). Pregnancy and maternity discrimination in 2019. Retrieved from https://www.tuc.org.uk/sites/default/files/Pregnancy_Maternity_Discrimination_Report.pdf Workingmums.co.uk. (2019). Working mums in 2019: a research report. Retrieved from https://www.workingmums.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Working-Mums-in-2019-Report.pdf
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